Our loyal readership will surely remember our article about Tycho Brahe. Yep, the one about the dude with a killer ‘stache who won duels, had a fake nose, and kept midgets and elk as pets. A role model for us all.

Well, Tycho is back in the headlines. Apparently, the debate over how he died has gone on for years, and the only way to settle it was to dig ol’ Tycho up and submit his remains to some scientific tests. The results are astonishing.

Many scientists suspected that Tycho had been poisoned because of traces of mercury remaining in his beard. However, after conducting scientific analysis on his remains, Dr Vellev has concluded that “It is impossible that Tycho Brahe could have been murdered.”

The news media, in typical fashion, does not indicate that Tycho’s near-immortal status as The Man Who Could Not Be Murdered was due to his possession of an awesome moustache. But we all know the truth!

As with so many of our kind, Tycho’s manners were his downfall. The current consensus is that he died from a burst bladder. Apparently this was caused by our hero being too polite to leave the table and relieve himself at a royal banquet. Don’t let this happen to you.