I am rather outraged at the Heineken commercial portraying a moustached gentleman. In fact, it offends me so deeply that I will not embed the blasphemous contents thereof upon this site. You can click here. No, not the word ‘here.’ The period.

Why, you ask? Why would your humble narrator take such offense? Is it the spectacular moustache? Is it the fact that the moustache triumphs over muscle mass? Is it bare-knuckle boxing? Read on…

No, dear reader. The above are all excellent attributes in any advertisement, and the rest of the industry would do well to follow suite. Here’s where they botched the job.

WE DON’T DRINK LIGHT BEER.

This is really important. Light beer, or light anything really, is not part of the dynamic moustached lifestyle, and it never will be. What’s next, walking around with a light moustache? Having a light duel? Light whisky, perhaps? A bit of light bacon and decaf coffee with your breakfast? This is not the way of our people. We embrace life in full measure. Anything we do, we do wholeheartedly. As our mission statement reads, we walk tall and we laugh when it’s funny. AND WE DON’T DRINK LIGHT BEER.

I call upon all moustache supporters to boycott Heineken until they issue a public apology and retraction.

Until then, let’s clear the air. This clip is not safe for work, depending on where you work and their attitude towards profanity. However, it needs to be said, and I salute the clean-shaven David Lynch (director) for having Dennis Hopper say it.