Lately your Fearless Leader has noticed an increase of spam comments to this site. None of them have made it past our highly-trained and barely-clad squad of female secretaries and assassins, so our viewers have enjoyed the same high quality content that they know and expect. However, one comment, though obviously a piece of made-up drivel to drive traffic to some site of questionable character by someone going by Vivian, made me laugh:

User Name: Vivian

“That moustache is the grneeest on the planet!”Can I just point out that a moustache that large is bound to reduce air flow into the mouth and nostrils, requiring the expenditure of more energy in order to breath. It thereby increases the amount of air that he uses and produces yet more CO2. Rather than being green, it is another unnecessary burden on our fragile ecosystem and should be condemned as such. He is an embarrassment to all of us named Dick.

My response:

Dear “Vivian/Dick,”

You are factually incorrect. The moustache is a sign of the owner’s ability to grow and nurture life, and any slight expenditure of CO2 is more than offset by the sharp inhalations (and in females, slight panting) of others at the sight of the hirsute gentleman. In addition, without our stewardship of wildlife and efforts to move mankind forward in areas ranging from fine art to scientific research, it is highly likely that society as you know it would cease to exist.

Your own inability to grow a moustache (assuming that your name is Dick) and your ability to braid your leg hair (assuming that your name is Vivian) disgusts me and offends the sensibilities of my readership. Kindly vacate these premises.

With all due respect,

Your Fearless Leader